Why the Smartest Women Have the Toughest Time Dating

No one can have everything. That hot guy everyone’s been crushing on since middle school doesn’t use his brain much, the rich kid across your favourite spot in the cafe is going through depression, and the popular semi-perfect Homecoming Queen has really low self esteem. For some unfortunate twist of fate, smart people find it really difficult to find their perfect match. In the awesome book Tao of Dating, Dr. Ali Binazir says that an overwhelming number of dating woes is shared specifically by smart people. The smarter you are, the more clueless you will be.

So, if you’re from any of the Ivy’s, and having an incredibly difficult time finding “the one”, here are a few points that might help you figure out why:

Smart people spent more time on achievements than on relationships when growing up.

Usually, smart kids come from smart families. And smart families usually have accomplished parents who expect nothing less than an A in all of the subjects, a handful of trophies on the shelves and a few awesome titles with your first name. If you come from an achievement-oriented family, you are wired to conquer the territory first before establishing connections. Of course, mastering that Ravel Gaspard, memorizing the almanac, becoming Class President and just being a winner carry some opportunity cost. Building meaningful relationships, senselessly chasing after that boy you knew was trouble and stepping outside of your comfort zone might be a tad bit foreign. If you’re in college and you let this go on, you’ll graduate with the highest honors, work with Google or Apple and compensate the lack of a social life with working harder and building your career. Now, there’s nothing with being a strong independent woman but left untreated, your lopsidedness can go on for decades and you might just lose valuable opportunities to meet the right one.

Sometimes, it’s nice to be spontaneous and just stop overthinking.

Smart people feel that they’re entitled to love because of their achievements.

In all actuality, smart people live a seemingly-meritocratic universe: If they work hard, they get good results (or, in the case of the really smart ones, even if they don’t work hard, they still get good results). Now, good results mean kudos, strokes, positive reinforcement, respect from peers, love from parents. So, they tend to expect that in the romantic arena, the more stuff they do, the more accomplishments and awards they have, the more lovable they are. For some smart people, they have earned their way to get laid, for real. This sense of entitlement may not bring you anywhere, Darling. It might not even get you that goodnight kiss after the first date. What you need to remember is that love is magic and it has nothing to do with how successful you are. Love does not function like Physics or Euclidean Geometry. It is not earned – it’s just freely given, so you don’t need bragging rights and a lot of mental jewellery to have someone actually like you.

You don’t feel like a fully-realized sexual being and therefore don’t act like one.

At some point in your life, you have been labelled as a smart person. From then on, that was your principal identity. You’re the smart one. If you’re part of a clique, you’re the consistent A-student while your other friends are with C’s and D’s. Even if you’re really pretty, if you have a better-looking sibling, you’re still tagged as the smart one, and her, “the Hot One”.

There’s nothing wrong with being labelled the Smart One. Frankly, it’s a huge compliment but when you’ve sort of embraced the identity or when you think no amount of slutty dress or plum lipstick can change your image, you start dressing frumpy and pay less attention to your appearance. Because you think sexuality is not your thing, you’ll never be bothered cultivating your sensuality.

What you need to know is that attracting a partner is all about polarity. Energy flows between positive and negative electrodes, anode and cathode, magnetic north and south. Unless you convey femininity, you’re not going to attract anything or anyone. Bt Darling, you are a sexual being. Deal with it. So, go and perpetuate the race already.

You’re exceptionally talented at getting in the way of your own romantic success.

The problem is your big brain. If you’re in Calculus or Botany or Physics or any of your Engineering subjects, thinking would be useful. But when it comes to love or sex, over thinking, rationalizing and too much analysis ruins the moment. Thank the gods and your primal ancestors, your DNA is wired to perpetuate. You are programmed to reproduce. So no matter how predictable you like things to be, you will have moments of “oh my gosh, did I just do that?” once in a while. Believe it or not, you will notice (and get surprised) at how perfectly you arch your back, flip your hair and bat your lashes when you bump into that hunky Engineering intern. Breathe, darling and let your DNA do the work.

By virtue of being smart, you eliminate most of the planet’s inhabitants as a dating prospect.

Wavelengths matter. We know they do. When you’re smart, educated and successful, it is only common that you seek out a partner who is as (or more) smart, educated and successful as you. It may not be just because you have extremely high standards – which, you may do, by the way; but most of the time, you like to hang out with people with the same wavelength because you share the same interests. Those who talk about Gossip Girl and can’t get Silicon Valley bore you to death, and those who aren’t fascinated by the algorithms in the universe are just too narrow-minded for you.

Intelligence in a partner is pretty much a requirement.

However, by having too many (or too high) standards, you eliminate opportunities, that might bring you that lasting relationship you always dreamed of. So, sometimes, loosen your otherwise stringent criteria and be open. That’s how rom-coms begin, right? Two very different people, from very different worlds, with very different point-of-views, collide and find out that they’re a match made in heaven. Besides, a relationship isn’t about finding the perfect person, it’s about love. You’ll be amazed how you’d be able to find the perfection in an otherwise imperfect partner.

Hey, Nobody’s asking to lower your standards. You should still spend time only with worthwhile company. But take time to see whether your standards are serving you or you’re serving them.